Hello “feral sex kitten�:

…constraint['s] nothing more than a game, rarely innocent but fundamentally vain.
–Marcel Bénabou: Rules and Constraint

Dear WF:

Very interesting topic you are asking about. Being the penetrator, the man, the fucker, from the perspective of a woman.

My personal experience inhabiting the penetrator’s space, which I truly believe is masculine in approach and methods, was definitely an eye opener for me. Strapping on for a girl is much different than strapping on for a guy. With a woman, it’s a place we’ve both been, the bottom, and its politics we negotiate well. We play at the roles, with no real bite in my psyche to conquer, control, or be “the man�. Its all been very playful and very feminine with women.

With men, especially submissive men, its much different. Its a situation where you see in the face of a man surrender and vulnerability, something I didn’t expect to shake me from my solely feminine perspective. I was moved and repulsed at the same time – I still can’t negotiate the whole Metrosexual thing, so go figure. I never thought topping a man would make me see how fragile and very human they are. Topping made me more compassionate of the male experience – all tool, no training, with the world expecting you to inherently be an expert. Its like the military giving 18 old year boys automatic weapons, some minor training and expect them to handle all that life and death in their control.

I felt an aggression, that I could control and work this person under me, I could be the engine, the hammering piston. I’ve also seen expressions of painful bliss, pain that women know so well, for each stroke that pleases could be easily followed by a stroke that hurts. Women negotiate, tolerate and synthesize pain into pleasure as part of the penetrative process. Being the fuckee forces you to compromise your sensations with the intentions of the fucker – keeping aware, keeping communication open, keeping lubed up.

After strapping on a few times, I felt I could understand parts of the sexually aggressive behavior men display much better. To my horror, I could see why the illusion of raping a women would make the penetrator feel alive. I was looming over a creature, who was impaled on my latex cock, and I could please or harm them, purely based on my desires. If sexuality is the only place where most men can feel any sense of power and control, it is no mystery to me that they act on it. No other behavior has been modeled for men – how to be vulnerable and giving, how to NOT be in control or in power.

Strapping on ultimately is not my cup of tea. It was interesting experimenting with penetration on both genders, and I learned a lot about my own psychosexual persona through trying out different roles. I found having a latex cock wasn’t all that great – I really love my body and what it can do naturally in response to another human being. It was unwieldy, disconnected and rigid. It didn’t move with us, it only had one purpose. Even when approached by another female, watching it being sucked while attached, I didn’t really feel it was that sexy. It is a piece of hard plastic, covered by latex, strapped on with buckles and cords. It didn’t feel soft, yielding or sensual. I didn’t feel very cuddly with it on, I felt rather intimidating, foreboding, brandishing something that would bring both pleasure and pain. It was a barrier, not a connector, between me and my partner. And I understood I will never truly experience having a penis – there was no sensation for me in penetration, other than the physical pressure of pushing and thrusting something with my hips.

How do men deal with that, understanding that they can easily hurt a women with a part of their body they don’t seem to have a lot of motor control over? A hard cock, latex or real, can hurt like a bitch if jammed in at the wrong angle. Ever hear of a sprained pussy? It happens all the time – wrong angle, a jab into the vaginal walls, or cervix, and you are out of commission for a week or two.

Imagine that kind of pain anally? Add to it shame, fear, disgust, repressed desire and an entire world saying that its unnatural, its homosexual. Let me be very clear in stating that prostate massage and orgasms from anal stimulation are not GAY! Sure, they’ll make you happy, but they won’t make you switch teams. Its the male G-spot, aka the P-spot.

There’s a great article on the “Strap-On Epiphany� by Virginia Vitzthum that really explores her experience “defiling Adam�. You can find that article on Salon.com (as you mentioned in your email above).

Here is my article on anal sex, on receiving and giving. Additional resources are linked below:

Pucker up.com – Tristan Taormino’s Anal Sexual Expertise (both hetero & gay tips available)

http://www.sexuality.org/l/incoming/f2mwords.html

I think this is a very interesting topic, as the roles of gender, power and sexuality continue to evolve. I’d love to post your paper on this when you’re done.

xx FSK